I’m not going to lie. Intern year has been tough. For a variety of reasons. For one, it’s hard to be a preliminary resident – to know I am only going to spend one year here before moving on, to feel like I don’t really belong and to constantly struggle with how much to invest…For another, it’s hard to be a surgery resident – early mornings, long days, intense expectations in a working environment I wouldn’t necessarily highlight as collaborative…Not to mention trying to be a present, proactive, loving parent to two vibrant children (one of whom is not yet sleeping through the night) and a thoughtful, caring and organized spouse to someone who also craves (and deserves) my love and attention…
But I think the biggest struggle of intern year thus far has not been the above, but rather, dealing with this lingering feeling of bitterness that I can’t seem to shake.
I enjoyed medical school but even from the beginning I allowed myself the opportunity to quit if I truly needed/wanted to. While I never did consider, knowing that I could was enough to allow me to focus on things other then simply pushing through to the end. I don’t have that safety valve this year without major consequences. No matter what I do – no matter how much my kids miss me, how sick or tired I am, no matter how over (or under) whelmed I may be, I have to go into work tomorrow. And that fact is distracting me from the fact that while I have to go, I also GET to go to work everyday.
So this week I am striving to be better, not bitter.